It's hard to watch your team without you, but it was just a tweak. I should be back in the lineup soon. Our team's had its share of injuries, as have most teams. Hopefully that means a for a healthy second half.
The time off has been nice though. I usually throw myself into games, and avoid thinking too much. A lifetime of doing that, and it's a hard habit to break. Sometimes it's easier just to take it day by day, and that's always been my motto for the most part, but there are times like this when you do need to think ahead. Because it would be too easy just to keep at it and do the same thing over and over again. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable, and things being nice.
I loved Philly. I felt comfortable there. I knew that arena like the back of my hand. I could skate around it with my eyes closed and nothing but my ears to guide me--listening to the way the ice cut under my skates. And I loved it. I didn't need to be traded to Tampa or skate in that arena to know that I loved Philly. I didn't need something exciting or new, with a sparkly new facility and work out area. I enjoyed the old, worn carpet in the locker room. I'm not sure how to explain it. It wasn't the comfort that made it home, it just was home, and the comfort arose from that. I just felt it, and knew I belonged there.
So this isn't that. This isn't being bored, and it isn't me searching for more or wondering if there's something beyond "nice." Because it is comfortable, and nice, and it's easy and wonderful, and I am happy, but I don't know what it is. I can't explain it. It's like I always took it for granted that I'd be able to understand or figure out what I was feeling or what was going on in my head. And now that I'm stumped it's... it's frustrating. I can't figure it out. I just can't explain why I feel like this.
It's just different.
It's easy enough to say I love my pa or that I love Emmy. There's something fierce about it, and the knowledge that I'd do anything for them. It's inate. It's just there.
And I'm not sure if that's a family thing, or just something I've never experienced with anyone else. Or will? Or have yet to? Perhaps there are just different kinds of love.
I fear... I think about things sometimes. I think about missed chances, hit posts, those mini-instances where maybe if things were different, an inch to the left, that our entire lives could be changed. Completely. And I fear that my choices somehow have a domino effect on others. It's a scary thing. Like the butterfly wings that start a monsoon. Nobody wants to hold somebody else's life in their hands.
Yet, as parents, we do that every day. We do it when we bring life into this world.
I want to be a child. I want to be absolved of responsiblity. I want to be petty and selfish. I want to eat little candies.
And I want to hold my daughter in my arms. And see her grow old, and get married.
I want everything.
I think I could love him forever. I mean, I could be in this relationship forever. And it wouldn't be bad, it wouldn't be great, it would just be. And I wonder if that is what love is. And I wonder if I'm keeping him from something greater. I don't want to be responsible for that.
Ja, I am one of those people. Praise me, thank me, for the good things, but don't blame me for the bad ones. Reminds me somewhat of goalies. If the team is winning they are praised, probably too greatly. And if the team is losing, they are blamed, probably too gravely. We live in a sport of extremes, and before I liked to think that when I left the rink, I left the game, and I wanted a life of grays, and middles, and right down the center of the road. I wanted easy, and moderate, but maybe I'm thinking I was lying to myself.
Perhaps I never left, never leave the game behind. Maybe I want those extremes as desperately as Stina once did. At least, once did with me. The problem though, is that I only want the high ones. I'll take the high ones; you take the low ones. I want love, but not indifference or hate or sadness. Give me wins, but not losses. I don't want to fall. It's too far down. And I'm slightly afraid of heights.